This page contains humorous quotes and general funny bits from TV, movies and media. At the moment there's not that much material in this page, but I hope you enjoy the stuff that is here. I intend to gather more material as soon as time and recourses allow. If you know something that would suit here, why don't you let me know.

Star Trek
Star Wars
Star Wars vs. Star Trek
The Simpsons
General movie quotes
Witty insults
Witty insults and even wittier replys
Those wacky stand-up fellers...
Those wacky politicians...



Do you come to this quadrant often?

Dabo my ass! What do you say, let's go to my quarters and compare our dilithium crystals?

Is that a runabout in your trousers, or are you just glad to see me?

You really know how to activate my tractor beam!

What's a nice energy pattern like you doing in a quadrant like this?

You have the most eyes I've ever seen.

Didn't we meet at Farpoint some years ago?

C'mon! It's only natural. I'm a (place your gender here) and you're... something.

What's the matter? Have a force field around you or something?

Captain's Log, Stardate... damn. What's the date? Number One, what's today? No, I know it's tuesday, what's the date? The STARdate!

The... doohickey... has gone all... funny, making that gizmo light up... the one that means the warp engines are... ya know... all messed up.

Prime Directive? We don't need no steenkin' Prime Directive!"

The aliens are locking their weapons on us... firing... a miss. Shall I open hailing frequencies so you can laugh in their faces?

Ah, hell, I'm bored. Screw the hailing frequencies, fire at will.

Picard, shields down. (Trust.)
Picard, when he had hair. (Youth.)
Riker, at Risa. (You're a sex maniac!)
Troi, sensing... something. (Useless information.)
Troi, when the ratings fell. (Show me your cleavage.)
Troi, her breasts showing. (Something always happening.)
Beverly and Picard in 10 Forward. (Lets just be friends.)
Geordi, his arms wide. (Loneliness.)
Geordi, his arms closed. (Extreme loneliness.)
Geordi, on the holodeck. (Need of female companionship.)
Geordi, in his quarters. (No date.)
Geordi, his visor off. (I feel vulnerable.)
Barclay, all the time. (I'm nervous.)
Worf, in the first season. (Bad hair day.)
Worf, his hands on Tactical. (Paranoia.)
Worf, his phaser taken. (Incompetent security personnel.)
Worf, firing a phaser. (Missing the target.)
Worf, lowering shields. (Teeth-gritting frustration.)
Guinan in 10 Forward. (Somebody is about to screw up.)
Wesley, his mouth open. (Talking garbage.)
Wesley, when he saved the ship. (Not again!)
Wesley, in the Warp Core. (Celebration!)
Spot, when the hair ball fell. (Untidy cabin.)
Extra away team security. (You're going to die.)
Extra security, beaming down. (You are surely going to die.)
Alien, skin painted, forehead bumpy. (Insult to intelligence.)
All a Borg!
Borg in the USA!
Borg Starter Kit: some assimilation required.
The Borg are coming! Quick, try and look useless.
The Borg: Calm, Cool and Collective.



"I have felt him, my master."
"Strange that I have not."
Return of the Jedi

"Our instructions are to give it only to Jabba himself."
Return of the Jedi

"Look at the size of that thing!"
The New Hope

"Get in there, you big furry oaf, I don't care WHAT you smell!"
The New Hope

"There's an awful lot of moisture in here."
Empire Strikes Back

"Luke, at that speed, do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?"
The New Hope

"You came in that thing? You're braver than I thought."
The New Hope

"General Solo, somebody's coming."
Return of the Jedi

"I'm endangering the mission. I shouldn't have come."
Return of the Jedi

"Thanks for coming after me."
Return of the Jedi

And then there's of course...

"Try not. Do or do not. There is not try."
Yoda, The Empire Strikes Back



Enterprise needs enormous engine room with anti-matter units plus twenty crewmen to take care of the warp drive. In Millennium Falcon you only need R2-D2 and a Wookie.

After resisting the torture droid and Darth Vader princess Leia looked as fresh and gorgeous as ever. After the Cardassians tortured Picard, he looked bad as hell.

Darth Vader could choke an entire Borg fleet with just one look.

Luke Skywalker isn't compelled to jump into bed with every woman (or alien) he meets.

In Star Wars the weapons are very rarely 'on stun'.

The Death Star couldn't care less weather the planet is class M or not.

Just one word: light sabers.

When meeting aliens, commander Data doesn't feel compelled to tell every time how many languages he can speak.

Who would want to have a councelling session with 900 years old green alien with no cleavage?

The stormtroopers may have big guns, but lieutenant Worf could take an entire squadron of them down with one bath'leth.

On alien planet Starfleet officers don't have to dig themselves into a belly of dead smelly tauntaun in order to stay alive. There's always a handy uninhabited cave nearby.

One ferengi could rob an entire roomfull of gungas clean by playing Dabo before they could say "ouch time". Plus, the average gunga couldn't memorize even one rule of acquisition correctly, let alone all of them.

Captain Picard wouldn't have to spend two years on Jabba's wall frozen in carbonite. He would talk himself out of there in less than 45 minutes.

Just one word: holodeck.



I will not carve gods.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr. Death.
I am not a dentist.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not eat things for money.
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
I am not deliciously saucy.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan".
There are plenty of businesses like show business.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
I did not see Elvis.
I am not a 32 year old woman.
I will not get very far with this attitude.
I will not do anything bad ever again.
I will finish what I sta


Being popular is the most important thing in the world.

No matter how good you are, there are always a million guys better than you. So if you can't win, don't try.

It's not okay to lose.

If something's hard to do, it's not worth doing.

A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, three hundred pounds, they make ice.

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer!

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.

Thou shalt not take... moochers into thy... hut.


"Time-traveling is just too dangerous. Better that I devote myself to study the other great mystery of the universe: women!"
Back to the Future II

"I am Catwoman... Hear me roar."
Batman Returns

"How do you explain 'school' to a higher intelligence?"
E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial

"From the dawn of time we came, moving silently down through the centuries, living many secret lives, struggling to reach the time of the Gathering, when the few who remains, will battle to the last. No one has ever known we were among you... until now."

"I've got no option but to sell you all to scientific experiments."
The Meaning of Life

"We are all interested in the future for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives..."
Plan 9 from Outer Space

"Take you stinking paws off me you damn dirty ape!"
Planet of the Apes

"Damn you! Damn you all to hell!"
Planet of the Apes

"There's something out there waiting for us. And it ain't no man."

"You're one ugly motherfucker..."

"Come quietly or there will be... trouble."

"I would like, if I may, to take you on a strange journey..."
Rocky Horror Picture Show

"It's not easy having a good time... Even smiling makes my face ache."
Rocky Horror Picture Show

"The future is not set... there is no such thing as Fate, but what we make for ourselves by our own will."

"Come with me if you want to live."
Terminator 2

"If a machine can learn the value of human life... maybe we can too?"
Terminator 2

"I am... Frau Blücher."
Young Frankenstein

"We're all by any practical definition of the words, fool-proof and incapable of error."
2001: A Space Oyssey

"I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill and think things over."
2001: A Space Oyssey

"All intelligent beings dream. Nobody knows why."




When he has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.
George Burns
...about Jack Benny

From Poland to Polo in one generation.
Arthur Caesar
...about Darryl Zanuck

She was divinely, hysterically, insanely malevolent.
Bette Davis
...about Theda Bara

Dramatic art in her opinion is knowing how to fill a sweater.
Bette Davis
...about Jayne Mansfield

Hah! I always knew Frank would end up in bed with a boy!
Ava Gardner
...about Mia Farrow's marriage to Frank Sinatra

It's a new low for actresses when you have to wonder what's between her ears instead of her legs.
Katherine Hepburn
...about Sharon Stone

You can calculate Zsa Zsa Gabor's age by the rings on her fingers.
Bob Hope

His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open.
Howard Hughes
...about Clark Gable

The only person who ever left the Iron Curtain wearing it.
Oscar Levant
...about Zsa Zsa Gabor

I have more talent in my smallest fart than you have in your entire body.
Walter Matthau
...to Barbra Streisand

Miss United Dairies herself.
David Niven
...about Jayne Mansfield

She's like an apple turnover that got crushed in a grocery bag on a hot day.
Camille Paglia
...about Drew Barrymore

She's a vacuum with nipples.
Otto Preminger
...about Marilyn Monroe

Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of wet toilet paper.
Rex Reed
...about Marlon Brando

Oh my God, look at you. Anyone else hurt in the accident?
Don Rickles
...to Ernest Borgnine

He looked like a half-melted rubber bulldog.
John Simon
...about Walter Matthau

Her body has gone to her head.
Barbara Stanwyck
...about Marilyn Monroe

Every minute this broad spends outside of bed is a waste of time.
Michael Todd
...about Elizabeth Taylor

She has breasts of granite and a mind like a Gruyere cheese.
Billy Wilder
...about Marilyn Monroe

The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.
Robin Williams

Zsa Zsa Gabor has been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
Henny Youngman

I look at my friendship with her as like having a gall stone. You deal with it, there is pain, and then you pass it. That's all I have to say about Schmadonna.
Sandra Bernhard
...about Madonna

I'm glad I've given up drugs and alcohol. It would be awful to be like Keith Richards. He's pathetic. It's like a monkey with arthritis, trying to go on stage and look young. I have great respect for the Stones but they would have been better if they had thrown Keith out 15 years ago.
Elton John
...about Keith Richards

Michael Jackson was a poor black boy who grew up to be a rich white woman.
Molly Ivins

Fame has sent a number of celebrities off the deep end, and in the case of Michael Jackson, to the kiddy pool.
Bill Maher

He hasn't just lost the plot, he's lost the whole library!
Melody Maker
...about Michael Jackson

She is closer to organized prostitution than anything else.
...about Madonna, in 1986

She is so hairy, when she lifted up her arm, I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.
Joan Rivers
...about Madonna

Not in this lifetime. Why? Because I'm the only one she hasn't done it to.
Sharon Stone
...when told Madonna has said she wants to kiss her

If life were fair, Dan Quayle would be making a living asking, "Do you want fries with that?"
John Cleese

Attila the Hen.
Clement Freud
...about Margaret Thatcher

Dan Quayle is more stupid than Ronald Reagan put together.
Matt Groening

He has all the characteristics of a dog except loyalty.
Sam Houston
...about Thomas Jefferson Green

The General is suffering from mental saddle sores.
Harold L. Ickes
...about Hugh S. Johnson

...a pig, an ass, a dunghill, the spawn of an adder, a basilisk, a lying buffoon, a mad fool with a frothy mouth.
Martin Luther
...about Henry VIII

In defeat he was unbeatable; in victory, unbearable.
Edward Marsh
...about B. L. Montgomery

I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was... an arctic wilderness.
Steve Martin

Don't be so humble, you're not that great.
Golda Meir
...to Moshe Dayan

Dangerous as an enemy, untrustworthy as a friend, but fatal as a colleague.
Sir Hercules Robinson
...about Joseph Chamberlain

A triumph of the embalmer's art.
Gore Vidal
...about Ronald Reagan

I think Nancy does most of his talking; you'll notice that she never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.
Robin Williams
...about Ronald Reagan

The stupid person's idea of the clever person.
Elizabeth Bowen
...about Aldous Huxley

To those she did not like she was a stiletto made of sugar.
John Mason Brown
...about Dorothy Parker

That's not writing, that's typing.
Truman Capote
...to Jack Kerouac

The world is rid of him, but the deadly slime of his touch remains.
John Constable
...about the death of Lord Byron

I am fairly unrepentant about her poetry. I really think that three quarters of it is gibberish. However, I must crush down these thoughts, otherwise the dove of peace will shit on me.
Noel Coward
...about Dame Edith Sitwell

He had a mind so fine that no idea could violate it.
T. S. Eliot
...about Henry James

She was a master at making nothing happen very slowly.
Clifton Fadiman
...about Gertrude Stein

To me Pound remains the exquisite showman without the show.
Ben Hecht
...about Ezra Pound

His verse is the beads without the string.
Gerard Manley Hopkins
...about Robert Browning

The biggest bug in the manure pile.
Elia Kazan
...about Harry Cohn

He is mad, bad and dangerous to know.
Lady Caroline Lamb
...about Lord Byron

Nothing but old fags and cabbage-stumps of quotations from the Bible and the rest, stewed in the juice of deliberate, journalistic dirty-mindedness.
D. H. Lawrence
...about James Joyce

His imagination resembles the wings of an ostrich.
Thomas Babington Macaulay
...about John Dryden

Every word she writes is a lie, including "and" and "the."
Mary McCarthy
...about Lillian Hellman

He writes his plays for the ages - the ages between five and twelve.
George Nathan
...about George Bernard Shaw

Virginia Woolf's writing is no more than glamorous knitting. I believe she must have
a pattern somewhere.
Dame Edith Sitwell
...about Virginia Woolf

A great zircon in the diadem of American literature.
Gore Vidal
...about Truman Capote

The only genius with an IQ of 60.
Gore Vidal
...about Andy Warhol

He is able to turn an unplotted, unworkable manuscript into an unplotted and unworkable manuscript with a lot of sex.
Tom Volpe
...about Harold Robbins


Am reserving two tickets for you for my premiere. Come and bring a friend - if you have one.
George Bernard Shaw
...to Winston Churchill

Impossible to be present for the first performance. Will attend second - if there is one.
Churchill's reply

If I were married to you, I'd put poison in your coffee.
Lady Astor
...to Winston Churchill

If you were my wife, I'd drink it.
...Churchill, in reply

You will either die on the gallows or of a loathsome disease.
John Montague
...to John Wilkes

That depends on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.
John Wilkes
...in reply

Do you mind if I smoke?
Oscar Wilde
...to Sarah Bernhardt

I don't care if you burn.
Sarah Bernhardt
...in reply

My dear Whistler, you leave your pictures in such a sketchy, unfinished state. Why don't you ever finish them?
Frederic Leighton
...to James McNeill Whistler

My dear Leighton, why do you ever begin yours?
James McNeill Whistler
...in reply

He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.
William Faulkner
...about Ernest Hemingway

Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?
Ernest Hemingway
...about William Faulkner



George Carlin

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.

I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lives next door complained.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

If God didn't want us to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

When you're sending someone Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

What's another word for synonym?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?

If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?

What happened to the first 6 "ups"?

If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

Rodney Dangerfield
If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.

My wife made me join a bridge club.  I jump off next Tuesday.

I could tell that my parents hated me.  My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with.

A girl phoned me the other day and said: "Come on over, there's nobody home". I went over. Nobody was home.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me.  Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. Now I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

Groucho Marx
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. - He really is an idiot.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.

Host: "I'm a big fan of yours, Groucho."
Groucho: "Good. If it gets any hotter in here I could use a big fan."

Time wounds all heels.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Quote me as saying I was misquoted.

There were three things that Chico was always on - a phone, a horse, or a broad.

Now there sits a man with an open mind. You can feel the draft from here.

Mae West
Too much of a good thing is wonderful.

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.

To err is human, but it feels divine.

It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.


Okay, these quotes are neither from movies nor a part of some stand-up comedian's act, but quotes from American politicians and other officials. And when you think of it, they're not that funny either. But heck, I'm no social scientist and if the following statements are a sign of decay of the western culture, then so be it... Neither am saying that near idiocy is reserved only for American officials. It very well may be that their verbal blunders are only better documented. Nevertheless, these are the only one's I've come across so far. The list is a few years old, so it doesn't contain any of those witty and wonderful things George W. Bush have said...

I promise you a police car on every sidewalk.
Marion Barry, mayor of Washington, DC

The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black, were the ultimate sacrifice.
Marion Barry, mayor of Washington, DC

I am a great mayor. I am an upstanding Christian man. I am an intelligent man. I am a deeply educated man. I am a humble man.
Marion Barry, mayor of Washington, DC

Outside the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
Marion Barry, mayor of Washington, DC

Where would Christianity be if Jesus got eight to fifteen years, with time off for good behavior?
James H. Donovan (New York senator)
We may be finding that in some blacks, when the choke hold is applied, the veins or arteries do not open up like in normal people.
Daryl Gates (L.A. police chief)
I'm not against the blacks, and a lot of the good blacks will attest to that.
Evan Mecham (governor of Arizona)
If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.
Dan Quayle (US vice-president)

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
Dan Quayle (US vice-president)

We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.
Dan Quayle (US vice-president)

Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.
Dan Quayle (US vice-president)

Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.
Dan Quayle (US vice-president)

Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.
Dan Quayle (US vice-president)

For NASA, space is still a high priority.
Dan Quayle (US vice-president)

It is time for the human race to enter the solar system.
Dan Quayle (US vice-president)

It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
Dan Quayle (US vice-president)

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
Dan Quayle (US vice-president)

I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.
Dan Quayle (US vice-president)