WISE THOUGHTS AND WITTY REMARKS


The following is a list of miscellaneous quotes I've come across in the internet. Some of them are genuinely intelligent thoughts, some are meant as jokes to begin with and some are comments that just sound extremely silly taken out of their context. I've found quotes entertaining enough to create them their own quote page. Some day I may rearrange these quotes in neat groups, but for now, they are all here, in alphabetical order.
 

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
Douglas Adams

I really didn't foresee the Internet. But then, neither did the computer industry. Not that that tells us very much of course - the computer industry didn't even foresee that the century was going to end.
Douglas Adams

When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults and they enter society, one of the politer names of hell.
Brian Aldiss

It doesn't matter if a student looks as sour as a lemon. You get lemonade by squeezing them.
Antti Allén

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Fred Allen

In Beverly Hills they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
Woody Allen

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the times, I don't have any fun at all.
 Woody Allen

We should behave to our friends as we would wish our friends to behave to us.
Aristotle

There are no nations! There is only humanity. And if we don't come to know that soon, there will be no nations, because there will be no humanity.
Isaac Asimov

Anyone who believes in indefinite growth on a physically finite planet is either mad or an economist.
David Atterburough

She looketh as butter would not melt in her mouth.
Francis Bacon

There's a sucker born every minute.
Phineas T. Barnum

Once you've been in a mental institution, people are going to look at you funny.
Drew Barrymore

I don’t understand why when we destroy something created by man we call it vandalism, but when we destroy something by nature we call it progress.
Ed Begley Jr.

I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.
Stephen Bishop

Never believe in anything until it has been officially denied.
Otto von Bismarck

People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war or before an election.
 Otto von Bismarck

The family that stays together may be convicted of incest.
Robert Bloch

There are some things so serious you have to laugh at them.
 Niels Bohr

I am surrounded by priests who repeat incessantly that their kingdom is not of this world, and yet they lay hands on everything they can get.
Napoléon Bonaparte

Insanity is relative. It depends on who has who locked in what cage.
Ray Bradbury

I guess it looks like a rock quarry that somebody has dynamited.
Charles Bronson
...describing his own face

If presidents don't do it to their wives, they'll do it to the country.
Mel Brooks

Everyday people are straying away from the church ang going back to god.
Lenny Bruce

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.
 Lenny Bruce

Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxi cabs and cutting hair.
 George Burns

Yeah, my real name is Coppola. I changed it because they'd think I was some nepotism-oriented kid.
Nicholas Cage

A lie can be half way around the world before the truth has got its boots on.
James Callaghan

Every revolutionary ends up by becoming either an oppressor or a heretic.
 Albert Camus

Democracy is the worst form of government, except all the others that have been tried.
Sir Winston Churchill

Americans always try to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else.
Winston Churchill

When distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.
 Arthur C. Clarke

A faith that cannot survive collision with the truth is not worth many regrets.
Arthur C. Clarke

Judge me by my deeds, though they are few, rather than my words, though they are many.
Arthur C. Clarke

I get bored easily. I've been bored most of my life.
John Cleese

'Gone With the Wind' is going to be the biggest flop in Hollywood history. I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling flat on his face and not Gary Cooper.
Gary Cooper
...after he turned down the role of Rhett Butler

Kissing Marilyn Monroe was like kissing Hitler.
Tony Curtis

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
Clarence Darrow

Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane.
Philip K. Dick

Okay, I'm not Doris Day, but I'm getting there.
Divine

My work is done. Why wait?
George Eastman
...the founder of Kodak, in his suicide note

Twenty-some states in the United States have statutes that say showing the nipples to children is oscene. That's the first thing we come into contact with when we arrive on this palnet: a woman's breasts!
Clint Eastwood

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
 Albert Einstein

Between the idea
And the reality
Between the motion
And the act
Falls the Shadow.
T.S. Eliot

The German mind has a talent for making no mistakes but the very greatest.
Clifton Fadiman

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
 W. C. Fields

It's very good to get through them (drugs) while you're still young and then talk about how great or bad it was for the rest of your life.
Carrie Fisher

The silly state.
Harrison Ford, describing California

There never was a good war, or a bad peace.
Benjamin Franklin

I am a marvelous housekeeper.  Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
Zsa Zsa Gabor

"Mr. Gandhi, what do you think about western civilization?"
"I think it would be a good idea."
Mahatma Gandhi, to a journalist

640 K ought to be enough for anybody.
Bill Gates, 1981

The greatest happiness is to scatter your enemy and drive him before you. To see his cities reduced to ashes.  To see those who love him shrouded in tears.  And to gather to your bosom his wives and daughters.
Genghis Khan

Many people take no care of their money till they come nearly to the end of it, and others do just the same with their time.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

If women can sleep their way to the top, how come they aren't there? There must be an epidemic of insomnia out there.
Ellen Goodman

Next to her, Lucrezia Borgia was a pussycat
David Hall
...talking about Marilyn Monroe

The nice thing about egoists is that they don't talk about other people.
Lucille S. Harper

You can be a king or a street sweeper, but everyone dances with the Grim Reaper.
Robert Alton Harris
...executed in California, 1992

When people ask me if a god created the universe, I tell them that the question itself makes no sense. Time didn’t exist before the big bang, so there is no time for god to make the universe in. No one created our universe, and no one directs our fate. This leads me to a profound realization; There is probably no heaven, and no afterlife either. We have this one life to appreciate the grand design of the universe, and for that I am extremely grateful.
Stephen Hawking

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Robert A. Heinlein

Peace on earth would mean the end of civilization as we know it.
Joseph Heller

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often.
Oliver Herford

For me, the cinema is not a slice of life, but a piece of cake.
Alfred Hitchcock

I'm not against the police, I'm just afraid of them.
 Alfred Hitchcock

I don't see much future for the Americans. Everything about the behavior of the American society reveals that it's half judaized, and the other half is negrified. How can one expect a state like that to hold together?
Adolf Hitler

We all believe what we read. I read how Tom Cruise and I were two big egos holding up shooting. I know that isn't true. But if  I wasn't making a movie with him and I just picked up a paper, I'd believe it. That's interesting, isn't it?
Dustin Hoffman

Some people stay longer in an hour than others can in a week.
William Dean Howells

Women's intuition is the result of millions of years of not thinking.
Rupert Hughes

There are no strangers in the world, just friends you haven't met yet.
Barry Humphries (Dame Edna)

A great many people think they are thinking when they are really rearranging their prejudices.
William James

Love of one's country recognizes no frontiers... of other countries.
Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

Puritans should wear fig leaves on their eyes.
Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

Pity that the only way to paradise is in a hearse.
Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

In a war of ideas it is people who get killed.
Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

Who ever asked theses and antitheses if they want to become syntheses?
Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

A sweet thing, perspective - a chance to see your enemies so small.
Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

Is it a progress if a cannibal uses knife and fork?
Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn't explain away afterwards.
Immanuel Kant

I became a feminist as an alternative to becoming a masochist.
Sally Kempton

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men.
Martin Luther King, Jr.

Never criticize Americans. They have the best taste that money can buy.
Miles Kington

I hate to spread rumours. But what else one can do with them?
 Amanda Lear

We are dealing with the best-educated generation in history. But they've got a brain dressed up with nowhere to go.
 Timothy Leary

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
 Abraham Lincoln

The only place you will be accepted is the place you make for yourself.
Holly Lisle

The most important thing is not to find a girl with whom you want to go into bed. The most important thing is to find a girl with whom you want to get up from it.
Jens Locher

A woman will lie about anything, just to stay in practice.
Phillip Marlowe

Genuine is the sorrow endured without anyone else knowing about it.
Marcus Martialis

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Dean Martin

Don't be humble - you are not that great.
Golda Meir

Skin diseases are something doctors like, the patient neither dies nor gets well.
H. L. Mencken

It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by resorting to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics or chemistry.
H. L. Mencken


A wise woman kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left.
Marilyn Monroe

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
David Moulton

I drink to make other people interesting.
George Jean Nathan

I would have made a good Pope.
Richard M. Nixon

I was not lying. I said things that later on seemed to be untrue.
Richard M. Nixon
...after Watergate

I am not a crook!
Richard M. Nixon

Giving money and power to goverment is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
P. J. O'Rourke

You can always reason with a German. You can always reason with a barnyard animal, too, for all the good it does.
P.J. O'Rourke

You are not special. Your are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You are the same decaying organic matter as everything else.
Chuck Palahniuk

Once we choose hope, everything is possible.
Christopher Reeve

Wagner was a monster. He was anti-Semitic on Mondays and vegetarian on Tuesdays. On Wednesday he was in favor of annexing Newfoundland, Thursday he wanted to sink Venice, and Friday he wanted to blow up the pope.

Tony Palmer
...about Richard Wagner

Plastic surgeons are always making mountains out of molehills.
Dolly Parton

Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman.
Maryon Pearson

I don't feel I'll live a long life. That's why I have to get what I can from every day.
Elvis Presley

Who ever heard of "Casablanca"? I don't want to star opposite some unknown Swedish broad.
George Raft
...after being offered the role of Rick in Casablanca

Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.
Ronald Reagan

It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.
Ronald Reagan

What makes him think a middle-aged actor, who's played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?
Ronald Reagan
...about Clint Eastwood running for mayor of Carmel

Humility is the worst form of conceit.
François Duc de La Rochefoucauld

I know of nothing more despicable and pathetic than a man who devotes all of the hours of the waking day to the making of money for money's sake.
John D. Rockefeller

I'd be more willing to accept religion, even if I didn't believe it, if I thought it made people nicer to each other but I don't think it does.
Andy Rooney

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Alice Roosevelt Longworth

Relationships don't last any more.  When I meet a guy, the first question I ask is, "Is this the guy I want my children spending their weekends with?"
Rita Rudner

There was a bit of male nudity in Lassiter and that was handled well. It didn't stick out.
Tom Selleck

Nowadays a parlor maid as ignorant as Queen Victoria was when she came to the throne would be classed as mentally defective.
George Bernard Shaw

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
 Brooke Shields

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra

Some folks are wise and some are otherwise.
Tobias George Smolett

Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.
Socrates

Bad men live that they may eat and drink, whereas good men eat and drink that they may live.
Socrates

The life of which meaning one never ponders is not worth living
Socrates

All that we know is nothing can be known.
Socrates

The male chromosome is an incomplete female chromosome. In other words the male is a walking abortion; aborted at the gene stage. To be male is to be deficient, emotionally limited; maleness is a deficiency disease and males are emotional cripples.
Valerie Solanos

The woman you notice is beautiful. The woman who notices you is enchanting.
Adlai Stevenson

With little loan you get a friend, with big loan an enemy.
Pubilius Syrus

In a novel, the author gives the leading character intelligence and distinction. Fate goes to less trouble: mediocrities play a part in great events simply from happening to be there.
Charles Maurice de Talleyrand-Perigord

The Japanese have perfected good manners and made them indistinguishable from rudeness.
Paul Theroux

If I only had a little humility, I'd be perfect.
Ted Turner

It is easier to stay out than get out.
Mark Twain

Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.
 Mark Twain

Reader, suppose you were an idiot; and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
Mark Twain

It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence to never practice either of them.
Mark Twain

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.
Mark Twain

I could never learn to like her, except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.
Mark Twain

Once a woman has given you her heart you can never get rid of the rest of her body.
John Vanbrugh

Such an ugly piece of furniture.
John Waters, about television.

Outside every thin girl is a fat man, trying to get in.
Katharine Whitehorn

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
Oscar Wilde

Of course, America had often been discovered before Columbus, but it had always been hushed up.
Oscar Wilde


I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.
Robin Williams

I think William Shakespeare was the wisest human being I ever heard of. To be perfectly frank, though, that's not saying much. We are impossibly conceited animals, and actually dumb as heck. Ask any teacher. You don't even have to ask a teacher. Ask anybody. Dogs and cats are smarter than we are.
Kurt Vonnegut

Every passing hour brings the Solar System forty-three thousand miles closer to Globular Cluster M13 in Hercules and still there are some misfits who insist that there is no such thing as progress.
Kurt Vonnegut

The big trouble with dumb bastards is that they are too dumb to believe there is such a thing as being smart.
Kurt Vonnegut

Take care of the people, and God almighty will take care of Himself.
Kurt Vonnegut

I could carve a better man out of a banana.
Kurt Vonnegut

New York: Skyscraper National Park.
Kurt Vonnegut

Whatever women do in life, they must do it twice as good as men in order to be considered as half as qualified. Fortunately, that's not very difficult.
Charlotte Whitton

I am not young enough to know everything.
Oscar Wilde

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
Kaiser Wilhelm

I think; therefore, I'm single.
Lizz Winstead

I wouldn't mind being dead it would be something new.
Estelle Winwood, at hundred.

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
Frank Lloyd Wright

Woody Allen once said: "You know there must be intelligent life in space. The question is do they have good Chinese restaurants and do they deliver?" Which is really a joke, but it is also a very profound remark. When you say do they have good Chinese restaurants, what you're really saying is, "How much are they like us?" And when you say, "Do they deliver?" you're saying, "Can they get here?" Both of which are profound questions. And at the present, we have no answers.
Gene Wolfe

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
Frank Zappa

If you ask me what I came to do in this world, I, an artist, will answer you: I am here to live out loud.
Emile Zola

Treat the earth well. It was not given to you by your parents, it was loaned to you by your children.
Kenyan proverb

To err is Truman.
A popular joke in 1946

To err is human, to moo is bovine.
Anonymous



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